69 Science St. Cambridge, MA 02142
Summary
With a mind as finely tuned as her set of pipettes, Cassondra Cunningham stands as a titanic figure in the realms of science fiction, erotic comedy, and avant-garde cookery. Renowned for blending the provocative with the periodic table and seduction with STEM, Cunningham has charted a course through literary history that is as illustrious as it is scandalously delightful. Her unparalleled ability to elucidate the complexities of quantum physics while detailing the intricacies of interoffice romance has garnered her a following that spans generations and galaxies (just not the Milky Way as she is lactose intolerant). An advocate for both the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and certain advanced forms of bedroom acrobatics, Cunningham’s work is a testament to her belief that knowledge is best served hot, spicy, and occasionally wrapped in bacon.
Professional Experience
Authorette, 1995-PresentNude Model, 2001
Clothed Model, 2001-2003
Guest Lecturer, Institute of Erotic Engineering, 2003-2009
Senior Consultant, Office Romance Dynamics Ltd., 2008-2014
Scientific Advisor to the President (of Tunisia), 2013-2015
Makeup Tester (Cruelty-free), Sephora, 2015-2017
[REDACTED], [REDACTED], 2017-202[REDACTED]
Crew Member/Undercover Spy, Trader Joe’s, 2021-Present
Education
The College of William and Mary, 2004, Bachelor of Arts, Chemistry (not the kind you’re thinking of)Harvard University, 2006: Bachelor of Arts, Biochemistry (the kind you’re thinking of)
University of Pennsylvania, 2007: Doctorate, Sexy Science
Yale University 2008: Medical Doctorate, Specialty: Doctor of Love
Emerson College, 2013: Master of Fine Arts, Creative Writing (of Sexy Science)
Awards
Authorette of the Decade, 2003Authorette of the Decade, Again, 2013
Authorette of the Century (presumptive), 2093
Best New Literature in the Category of Erotica and/or Education, 2021
Nobel Prize in Chemistry for synthesizing the element Erotium, known for its unstable and highly reactive properties in the presence of jazz. 2022
Time Magazine’s “Most Influential Person in Science Fiction and Bedroom Physics,” 2022
The “Steamy Beaker” award for making lab safety goggles the year’s most surprisingly erotic accessory, 2023
Summary (Continued)
In the labyrinthine corridors of Cassondra Cunningham’s mind, where synapses fire like a sultry burst of potential energy across a crowded laboratory, our heroine conducts her life’s work with the seriousness of a Nobel Laureate and the whimsy of a cat who’s just discovered catnip laced with cocaine. Dr. Cunningham, MD, PhD, ScD, OMG, in her unyielding quest for knowledge (and other, more tactile pleasures), has inadvertently become the poster child for the phrase “laughing all the way to the lab bench.” It’s not just her groundbreaking research on the correlation between high IQs and libido levels that’s earned her accolades; it’s also her steadfast belief that every scientific inquiry should come with a risqué hypothesis. With a penchant for detailing her experimental mishaps in excruciatingly hilarious detail—like the time she tried to measure the gravitational pull of her own charisma and accidentally invented a new form of social media which was for legal reasons not a cult—Cassondra has blurred the lines between academia and adult activities, all while maintaining a perfectly straight (though a celebrated champion of the LGBTQ+ community) face.Skills
Hard Skills
Pipetting with handsPipetting without hands
[REDACTED]
Typing (20 WPM)
Dance (Tap, Ballroom, Chicken)
Rock Identification (Igneous, Sedimentary)
Quantum Flirting: The ability to exist in a state of both propositioning and not propositioning until observed.
Erotic Chemistry: Skilled in combining elements in a way that sparks both reactions and relationships.
Innovative Procrastination: Mastered the art of productive delay, resulting in bursts of creativity during deadlines that were never actually there.
Advanced Pseudological Flexibility: Possesses the unique ability to construct alternative facts so plausible they briefly become scientific law.
Semi-Soft Skills
Invented a new dance move, The Bunsen Burner causing a minor sensation at science conferences and major fire safety concerns.Time management
Literary Acrobatics: Crafting sentences that bend more rules than a contortionist at a grammar convention.
Innovative Procrastination: Mastered the art of productive delay, resulting in bursts of creativity during deadlines that were never actually there.
Babysitting (18+)
Soft Skills
They don’t stay soft for long[REDACTED]
Languages
Fluent in English, Unintentional Sarcasm, and Scientific Jargon. Conversational in Body Language and Pillow Talk. Friend (with benefits) of Duo the Duolingo Owl.Publications
- “Likki Licked” series – A brilliant tale of sex and science so tantalizing, search engines blush to autocomplete its title.
- “The Periodic Table of Seduction” – A reference work detailing which elements are most likely to result in a successful date night, or at least get a C+ on your genchem exam
- “The Seductive Properties of Non-Newtonian Fluids” – A groundbreaking treatise on the relationship dynamics of substances that don’t play by the rules.
- “The Flirtation Equation” – A mathematical model for predicting the outcome of romantic interactions, with case studies and practical applications. Who knew numbers could be so steamy?
- “The Thermodynamics of Thirst” – A sultry examination of desire, energy transfer, and the laws of physical attraction.
- “The Black Hole of Heartache” – Venturing into the emotional voids left by lost loves, with a cosmological perspective. An in depth exploration of Cassondra’s own Black Hole.
- “Khemistry for Kids” – A child-friendly survey of khemical khoncepts, from electron khlouds to explosive reakhtions. Newberry Medal winner, Khloe Kardashian’s Book Khlub For Reading and Things
Celebrity Testimonials
Neil deGrasse Tyson
“Oh baby, Cunningham’s ability to make me question the laws of the universe with a straight face is unparalleled. Also, her explanation of dark matter using metaphors involving unpaired socks is the only theory I’ll ever need.”Beyoncé:
“If fierce had a PhD, it would be in Cassondra Cunningham. Her work on Emotional Entanglement inspired my hit single, ‘Love in a Lab Coat.’”Elon Musk:
[REDACTED]And So…
As the curtains close on the bewildering performance that is Cassondra Cunningham’s professional life, we are left to ponder the profound impact of her work. Has she redefined the boundaries of science and love, or has she simply invented a new way to experience chaos? One thing is clear: in the world according to Cassondra, logic is optional, passion is mandatory, and the only rule is that there are no rules, except when there are, which are also optional.